Hindu Upper Caste Urban Elite Cis-gendered Male

 A friend of mine had received an award. It was a very prestigious award. On hearing the news of being conferred this award, my friend developed a sense of insecurity and started questioning their own worthiness to receive the award. They asked me, “I am feeling uncertain whether I am worthy of this award”. Without thinking too much about it, in a rather insensitive manner I replied, “you should not think about it like that. It is not that big an award anyway”. Now when I read what I have just typed, it looks very offensive. But at that time, I had a few reasons for saying what I said. Firstly, I wanted to allay the insecurities of a friend. Secondly, I knew that this award is mired in bureaucracy and politics and so had some heavy criticism on it. While the former reason is a noble one, the latter, though honest, is not exactly a good thing to say to someone who has just received the award. This friend became quiet after that and neither of us brought it up. 

 

Recently, this friend messaged me and said, “I understand that you said that the award is not a big thing just to make me feel better, but for someone like me who is Hindu Backward Caste rural non-elite, it is a great achievement”. These words stung me immediately. I had at that time not yet realized what an insensitive thing I had done by calling the award ‘not such a great thing’. I have always thought of myself as someone who believed in equality of people and as someone who has respected people across all identities. But when my friend said this, it sounded as though they were saying “you Hindu upper caste urban elite cis-gendered male will never have an idea of what it is to get an award like this”. This got me thinking. 

 

I have been blind to my own identity as Hindu, Upper Caste, Urban, Elite, Cis gendered Male in my workplace. I probably represent the prototype oppressor to all people who have for several centuries been oppressed by this demography. When people like my friend see me or think of me or reflect on any of my deeds, probably I represent this prototype oppressor to them. I may be overthinking this. They may have better things to do than just to perceive me as the oppressor. But I realized suddenly that it is a possibility that I personify this typical oppressor to my friend and others too. 

 

It took me some time to get over the shock of being called out for my subtle oppression and insensitivity. The few hours of processing how I made a friend feel bad by just being me were the most painful hours. There is always the hope that true transformation comes out of pain. I have decided that the first step in trying to be more sensitive is to acknowledge my identities and always be aware that I carry these identities on my shoulder. The next step is to consciously process everything I have to say or do through the filter of my identities. Given my identity as a Hindu Upper Caste Urban elite Cis Gendered Male, how would my words sound and actions seem to everyone? The first few times, this process must be done consciously, at least till it becomes automatic. I am going to start practicing this. 

 

I have apologized to my friend for making them feel what they felt. When I apologized to them, I realized that I am apologizing for being me. I was initially very upset for apologizing for being me. But then I realized that I am apologizing only for allowing my identities to influence my thoughts and actions in insensitive and hurtful ways. None of us are truly free of our identities and backgrounds. Wisdom is in being aware of how they influence our thoughts, words and actions. I am starting a new journey of awareness after this episode.